August 21, 2011

So, today is the day I really let the world into my life. I have decided since I don't have many friends out here and I need to be held more accountable for my actions, the best way for that to happen is to make it public. As my journey begins today with this blog, I hope that someone out there will read it and help give me the extra push I need when things get rough, and that my blog will also give you the push you need. So, here we go!

I have reached a point in my addiction to food to admit that there is a problem. I have a an addiction to food, and that's the worse kind of addiction out there. Because you can live without alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, dipping tobacco, etc., but you cannot live without food. I can't blame my problem on anyone other than me. I am the one who chooses to pick something up and eat it. I am the one who knows I need to stop, but continues anyway. I am the one who knows that what I'm eating isn't healthy. I am the one cooking the food and adding all the extra bad stuff to it. So, I know that it is my own fault. I also know that I am as obese as I am today because of my lack of self-discipline. I have said for a month now that I am gonna go down to the gym and workout, but have I done it yet? No, because I can find 15 excuses not to go. "I don't want to workout alone; I won't have anyone to talk to; What if something happens while I'm there alone, etc." All it is, is one excuse after the last. When it comes down to it though, no one was there when I grabbed the ice cream out of the freezer to eat. No one was there when I stopped on my way home for something to eat, instead of just waiting for dinner when Brian gets home. No one was there when I got up in the middle of the night for cookies. So, why do I have to have someone there when I'm working out? I'm not doing it for anyone but me, so why am I not enough? Because I have lost my self-respect and I'm not proud of me anymore. I have this constant feeling of not being good enough, and not doing enough to make myself or anyone else proud. But, the time has come to change all that!

Here's where I let it all out for everyone to know....

I was at my heaviest in April  of 2009 at a whopping 276 pounds. I made a vow to myself then that I would lose weight and I would never weigh more than that. So, far, I've only kept half of that vow. I have not weighed more than that since then, and I plan on making good on the other half of my vow now. The last time I weighed myself (about 6 weeks ago) I was at 264 pounds. I am pre-diabetic and have high blood pressure, and I have been told that I won't be able to have kids. I know this weight didn't just show up over a few weeks, or months. I have always been overweight. Heck, I was overweight when I was born, weighing in at 9 lbs. 5.5 ozs!!! It has been 26 years of weight accumulating, so I don't expect it be easy for it come off. I know I have a LONG, hard road ahead of me, but I am a strong woman and I will, WILL!, do this for me!! I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror each night before bed and say, "I'm proud of all you did today!", instead of, "You shouldn't have ate that much for dinner and you really should have walked Bandit around the apartments longer or went to workout today."

So, these are my goals:

1.) Lose 20 pounds by Christmas (that's roughly 4 months away, so 5 pounds per month)

2.) Lose 50 pounds (total) by next summer (30 pounds in 6 month, still about 5 pounds per month)

3.) Increase my stamina for working out in general (it's almost non-exist as I type this)

4.) Be able to walk around the Academy (3.3 miles) in about 45 minutes (I'm at about 1 hr 20 minutes now)

5.) Be able to say my blood pressure is where it should be, and the diabetes isn't lurking right around the next cookie

So, please, if you have some encouraging words, please feel free to pass them my way! Or, if I have encouraged you, please let me know!! And, thank you to everyone who has been there through everything this far, and for all those who will be there to see me reach my goals!!!